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Vampires Suck | 2010 | PG-13 | - 6.7.5

A parody of the "Twilight" movie series follows the story line closely, with a young woman torn between her love for a vampire and her friendship with a werewolf. With Jenn Proske, Matt Lanter, Diedrich Bader, Chris Riggi, Arielle Kebbel, B.J. Britt and Charlie Weber. Directed by Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer. [1:20]

SEX/NUDITY 6 - A young man and a young woman sit on a bed, they kiss, she pushes him back and kisses him, she removes a ring from his finger using her mouth and reveals that she has changed it into a tongue piercing; they continue to kiss, he stops her, she climbs out of bed and removes her nightgown (she is wearing a black bra and panties, and both have flashing lights strategically placed over her nipples and pubic area) and she says, "I want to go all the way."
 A young man removes his shirt (his chest, abdomen and hips are visible) in front of a crowd of people in a town square; he removes his pants (his crotch is blocked by the crowd and then a large disco ball when the camera moves in closer) and turns to show his back and we see his bare buttocks and buttock cleavage when he bends over. Four men wearing cutoff jeans and no shirts dance together and make suggestive moves toward each other. A woman wears a deep-cut and short top that reveals cleavage and bare abdomen. A man is shown bare-chested and another man wears his shirt unbuttoned and we see a portion of his bare chest.
 A young woman asks her father why a sex doll is in her room (we see the doll wearing a bikini and its open mouth is heavily covered with dark red lipstick) and he says, "I miss your mother." A young man is shown with a noticeable bulge in his pants, grabs it as he walks into a high school lunchroom, and a young woman appears impressed.
 Two heterosexual couples kiss passionately and caress each other in the middle of a crowded school lunchroom. A man and a young man kiss. A young man and a young woman stare at each other across a room. A vampire bites a young woman's neck (we hear a crunch) and she moans (a trickle of blood is seen at the puncture sites). A young man and a young woman hug and he caresses her face.
 A father makes a crude remark to his teenage daughter about the size of her breasts. A young man and a young woman talk about playing doctor when they were kids and she says that she performed a prostate exam on him (he seems disturbed by the idea). A young woman talks about wanting to have sex with a young man. A young woman talks about a vampire abstaining from sex. A young woman talks about wanting her relationship with a young man to be sexual. A man yells about being confined to a wheelchair and rants about as to what is below his waist, making references to his penis.


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VIOLENCE/GORE 7 - A young man is struck in the head with a baseball bat, his head separates from his body and crashes through a car window (we see the severed head with blood at the neck). Four men attack a vampire and pull his limbs off and then his head and throw it into the woods (we see the bloody stumps and tissue at the tear site). A young man is hit in the head with a book and his head is ripped off.
 A vampire bites a woman on the neck and blood sprays from the wound while the woman screams (a young woman in a passing car sees the attack). A vampire squirrel bites a vampire on the neck. A vampire sucks the blood from a young woman's arm (we see her shrivel but is then OK).
 A car skids toward a young woman, a young man leaps to her aid and slams another young man into the side of the car stopping it before it hits her; the young man is shown with a twisted neck and bones protruding, a broken arm with a bone sticking through the skin and blood at the tear (we see him later in a cast, neck and head brace). A young woman has a bloody finger after cutting herself on paper; blood spurts from the wound, she is thrown into a wall by a young man and we see that she has broken her arm and a bone is poking through the skin along with more spurting blood, which she pours into numerous champagne glasses from which two men drink.
 Three female vampires attack a man and he screams. Three vampires attack a young woman and one bites her in the arm (we later see tooth marks and the vampire's teeth have actually remained attached to her arm). Three vampires attack a man and we hear later that he was killed (his "body was drained of blood and had multiple bite marks").
 A young man shoots a young woman and she falls into a hole in the ground; the young man then throws a cell phone that hits the young woman in the head as she is trying to climb out of the hole (no blood is shown). A young woman is struck hard in the face with a shovel and falls to the ground, several other girls with sledge hammers, shovels and planks of wood fight and one is stabbed in the stomach with a pitchfork (we hear a crunch but no blood is evident). A young man throws another young man into a piano (it breaks) and two other men are shoved into tanning beds. A young man is struck in the head with a bat covered with spikes and we see him lying on the ground with it sticking out of the side of his head (he's OK).
 A man punches another man in a wheelchair, who then kicks the other man in the face, and they fight: one is slammed onto the street, the other is pounded on with the wheelchair and they both end up with bloody, bruised, scratched faces and one man has several teeth broken off. A young woman head-butts a young man. A man punches another man in the nose, then in the jaw, and pinches his nipples (the man screams and we see his nose twisted out of shape). A young woman maces her father (we see his reddened eyes), she kicks him in the crotch and rips off his mustache (we see a bloody spot where his mustache used to be and he collapses onto the ground). A young woman maces another young woman in the face and she screams.
 A man grabs another young man around the throat, lifts him in the air, and then throws him and the two fight with punches and kicks. A young man throws a young woman through the ceiling and she crashes back down through the roof; a satellite dish falls on her and then a pile of bricks (we see her lying on the floor and screaming).
 A vampire with one large fang leaps through the air toward a young woman who has also jumped into the air, and they avoid crashing together but she lands on two other people who are knocked to the ground and he crashes into a billboard (he dangles unconscious).
 We see a photo of a vampire biting a woman on the neck (blood trickles from the wounds). A young woman imagines stabbing another young woman repeatedly (no blood is shown). A young woman screams when a vampire bares her fangs and lunges toward her.
 A vampire chases a squirrel, catches it, brings it to his mouth and we hear a crunch. A young man chases a cat into woods, and we hear a crunch and a screech.
 A young man opens his backpack and we see a beating heart (it's a bit bloody) and labels indicating human organs and bodily fluids. We see a hamster skeleton on a wheel in a cage. A woman serves a platter of severed fingers and a blood filled dipping bowl. A vampire drinks from a bottle of blood.
 Young women mock another young woman and call her names, two young women kick her in the shins repeatedly, two young men throw something at her back and another young man punches her in the face (she falls to the floor but is OK). Vampires snarl and his at people in numerous scenes.
 A young man juggles a baby, a bowling ball and an apple and we hear a thud when the bowling ball lands on top of the baby (we do not see the child injured). A young woman sleepwalks and pulls down a shelf of books and swings her arms at a young man in a threatening manner. A young woman trips and falls, and then rolls over and screams and cries and flails (she is unharmed). A young woman throws a bottle of champagne at another young woman and it hits her in the head (she's OK). A young man leaps onto the hood of a speeding car. A young woman speeds on a motorcycle, she swerves and crashes (we see blood on her forehead but she is OK). A young man is struck in the face by a car door (he's OK).
 A young woman flatulates in her sleep and a young man standing at the side of her bed reacts to the odor and falls out of the window (we do not see him injured). A bucket of red punch is thrown on a young man and a young woman. A young man seems to be bothered by a young woman's smell and he gags, covers his nose and puts on a HAZMAT suit. A young man is shown with a very hairy chest, hairy hands and claws, 10 teats and hairy ears. A young woman wears a night brace and drools heavily onto her pillowcase. A young woman offers another young woman a box of tampons and says that she knows that she will be starting early this month.
 A young woman threatens to "cut" another young woman using a switchblade, which she brandishes. A young man tells a young woman, "I want to eat you" and pushes her against a tree. A young woman describes several people and says, "They feed on human flesh and sleep in coffins." A young woman tells a vampire, "I want you to bite me" in a few scenes. A vampire tells his family that "every time a bring a girl home, you try to eat her." A woman talks about "the killing" in front of the person who will be the victim. We hear that a young woman "tried to kill herself." A young man says, "I'm going to kill myself." A young woman screams in her sleep in several scenes.
 A monster movie shows a fly/man moving toward an unconscious woman ready to kiss her.


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LANGUAGE 5 - At least 1 F-word, 1 obscene hand gesture, 6 sexual references, 14 scatological terms, 6 anatomical terms, 8 mild obscenities, name-calling (virgin, loser, lesbian, Canadians, evil blood sucker), 1 religious profanity, 5 religious exclamations.


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SUBSTANCE USE - A father leaves a note for his daughter that reads, "The weed is in the top drawer." A vampire drinks from a bottle of blood, a man guzzles beer from a tube, a young woman talks about "binge drinking" in a positive light, a man drinks wine, a young woman drinks from a bottle of champagne, and a young woman says, "I love drinking."


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DISCUSSION TOPICS - Teen angst, vampires, werewolves, love, friendship, passion, parodies, aging, immortality.

MESSAGE - Any popular movie theme can be made into a parody, and it certainly will.

CAVEATS

Be aware that while we do our best to avoid spoilers it is impossible to disguise all details and some may reveal crucial plot elements.

We've gone through several editorial changes since we started covering films in 1992 and older reviews are not as complete & accurate as recent ones; we plan to revisit and correct older reviews as resources and time permits.

Our ratings and reviews are based on the theatrically-released versions of films; on video there are often Unrated, Special, Director's Cut or Extended versions, (usually accurately labelled but sometimes mislabeled) released that contain additional content, which we did not review.


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